Duckhuntitis

As an avid waterfowl hunter and a beginning deer hunter, I know how important dedication and patience is when it comes to any type of hunting. However being that I know my quacks better than my racks, I'd like to appeal to my fellow duck hunters.... Specifically when you've been in the duck blind waaaay too long.

We duck hunters by nature are obscenely possessed with obsession to chasing waterfowl. Hunting ducks teaches a many of good men and women life lessons that you will carry with you for a lifetime. Being a duck hunter means spending hours away from family and friends in the blind and occasionally the obsessional virus duckhuntitis takes over our brains and gives us symptoms to let us know, its time to leave the duck blind. (Please note the following blog post is not a real condition or registered trademark and is used for entertainment purposes only.)

DUCK HUNTER WebMD

What is Duckhuntitis

Duckhuntitis, commonly known as “DHI,” is an extremely contagious mental illness caused by an addiction to duck hunting or an introduction to duck hunting. Duckhuntitis appears most frequently during the winter and early teal season. The duckhuntitis virus attacks the brain by spreading through the left and right sides of the cerebrum.

How is duckhuntitis spread?

The duckhuntitis virus is spread from person to person through long hours of bonding in the duck blind while awaiting ducks to enter the hunting hole, typically by discussing one's family matters and politics and debating over changing the decoy spread. Duckhuntitis is contracted when one shoots his or her first duck. The virus then makes direct contact with the brain upon the host holding its first downed duck. There is no known way to limit the spread of duckhuntitis. Virus symptoms begin immediately after infection.

Who's at greatest risk for duckhuntitis?

While anyone can get duckhuntitis, teenagers, adult men and women are at the greatest risk for infection due to the thrilling nature of the activity that causes infection of the virus. Despite advances in duckhuntitis prevention and treatment the CDHHC (Center for Duck Hunter's Health Center) estimates that thousands of new people become infected each year.

What are the symptoms of duckhuntitis?

• sleeping in is justified as 2:30 a.m.
• excessive collection of decoys and mojos
• all of one's free time is consumed by preparing to duck hunt
• hallucinating that crows are ducks
• denial of being cold despite ice forming around waders
• excessive cleaning of shotgun
• spending more time with one's dog than significant other
• unexplainable mourning between early teal season and opening day
• spending hours in the duck blind after the ducks have roosted for the night
• counting ducks to fall asleep
• uncharacteristic compulsion to initiate conversation about ducks and
• firearms
• sudden bouts of heart palpitations after hearing the words “cut 'em”
• irresponsible use of the Hail Call
• duckification of one's home
• duck feathers are found in all of your possessions, including your Sunday Best
• you mix up your hunting dog and child's names
• eating a steel shot is of no concern
• not able to pass any body of water without nearly having a wreck in order to see whats floating
• tattooing of ducks or duck related items on one's body
• obsessively compulsively shopping for duck hunting gear
• despises Timber or DuckBlind, Max 4 HD camo is the only camo you support
• buying HotHands in bulk
• lying about one's hunting spot aka honey hole
• knowing weather patterns better than the local meteorologist
• opening day traditions are more important than holidays
• naming one's shotgun

How is duckhuntitis treated?

While there is no known cure and most symptoms and their effects are irreversible, a few treatment options are available in order to relieve victims frustration with sudden onset. Treatment includes:

• carrying a duck at all times for emergency duck calling urges
• sniffing lucky duck feathers to relieve heart palpitations
• wear waders, throw decoys into the pool, build a blind out of floaties and wait to see what lands
• rereading and rewatching of every duck hunting magazine and video available, once those resources have been exhausted, move onto YouTube
• counting ones decoys to relax the mind
• build a castle with $22 a box steel shots
• practice retrieving scenarios with your dog

What other illnesses may be associated with duckhuntitis?

Duck Depression is an illness similar to duckhuntitis that may reflect a negative nature and more severe form of duckhuntitis. Most of the treatment options above do not relieve those with Duck Depression. For help with Duck Depression and illegal hunting thoughts please call the Duck Depression hotline at 1-DUQ-HNT-HELP, or contact the CDHHC (Center for Duck Hunter's Health Center) to report a case of diagnosed duckhuntitis.

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