A Southern Woman's Tips To Dating A Yankee

As any right-as-rain Southerner, we pride ourselves in sticking to “our own kind” but, some of who want a little more out of life than the Southern mentality, find ourselves doing the exact opposite of “I'll never date a Yankee.” From personal, recent and everyday experience, I can assure you that dating a Yankee, is quite a trip... (Truth is a Yankee man is like a drink of cool water, the stupidity of southern men gets old (no offense boys, this is all in making the butt of a joke.).)Those Yankees are funny critters once ya get to know 'em. In fact I thought I'd offer a little down home advice to my southern sisters that find themselves in a relationship with a Yankee:

TIPS FOR DATING A YANKEE

• After years of gastrointestinal evolution, we southerners have developed special coating on our intestines to handle the “fire” of our down-home cooking. Ladies, Yankee men absolutely cannot handle the southern heat, so if you plan to cook for him, turn down the heat or else he's gonna bleed in places he didn't know he could.

• We may talk slower than molasses running uphill in the winter but at the end of the day when our southern wit leaves 'em speechless, just keep quiet while they throw “winning the war” in our faces, because the truth is that's the only retaliation they have when you get under their Yankee skin like a fillet knife in a channel cat.

• Learn to talk about three clicks faster. Yankee men get lost after the first five words due to those slow southern pauses. Try to take out as many commas as possible, it will help the Yankee process what you're saying. Remember they have to contend with deciphering your drawl as well. God bless those little Yankee hearts.

• Don't punch him on the first, second, third or ever date. Yankee men don't like knowing a woman can be as high handed and equally powerful in inflicting pain or damage. (Southern men know a good southern woman can hold her own, but Yankees haven't a knack for being hit by a “girl”.) If ya do hit him, make sure to follow it with a “ouch that hurt my hand” even if it didn't. Ya gotta learn to stroke a Yankee's ego differently. (Course any Yankee antagonizing a southern woman ain't got the good sense God gave a rock.)

• Don't laugh at “their” idea of sweet tea. I know, I know, its not even sweet... But that's how they like it, they can't handle our spice or our sugar, so just give 'em everything nice.

• When he asks for the remote he's actually talking about the clicker, don't correct him, just hand it to him.

• When you say “yes sir and no sir” be prepared to defend yourself for calling a 20 something year old man elderly for saying “sir”.

• Don't yell at your Yankee man for not taking his shoes off or lifting up the seat, even if it makes ya madder than a mule chewin on bumblebees. They don't know any better. They never had their tails chased after stomping all over mama's clean floors, nor did they ever have their hide tanned like a new pair of boots after leaving dribble for their little sister to sit in. Politely mention it. (Besides Yankee neighbors will mistake your bloody murdered scream for an actual murder and call the police.)

• When complimenting your Yankee don't say “you're more desirable than a glob of butter melting on pancakes” or he'll think you just called him fat and then he'll blame your southern cooking for that. (Eventually your southern cooking will be to blame for making your Yankee and all his Yankee friends fat.)

• When attending a wedding or funeral with your Yankee man, be advised that these occasions are not in celebration or mourning they are simply used as excuses for getting twisted-an-ankle, eyes-like-a-coon, commode-hugging drunk. Your Yankee loves his Fireball just like you but cannot handle near as much as a southern man... Be prepared to drive home with a hiccuping hilarious drunk.

• Don't open the windows at night before going to bed. While you may have done this most of your life to evade the Southern heat, your Yankee man will be upset to wake up with two feet of snow inside the house........in April......possibly even May......

• When you notice your Yankee man picking up some of your twang, it is not, I repeat, it is NOT because you are rubbing off onto him. He is picking fun at you. The best way to handle this is to turn up that drawl thick and lay on those Yankee jokes so thick he isn't sure if he wants to go home and cry to his mama or marry ya!

• Don't interfere in your Yankee man's finances. I know you could squeeze a quarter so tight the eagle screams, but if the man spends it on Budlight, then he's ah spendin it right!

• Roll your eyes at him frequently, Yankee men hate it but come to appreciate it. He picks at everything you say and you eye-roll at everything he says, it turns into the cutest interaction. When he takes it too far though, can his lunch in a mason jar like grandmama's homemade peach preserves and wait for that hungry Yankee to come home from work expecting a good dinner. Turn up the heat ladies, turn up the heat, make sure ya bake him a nice pie afterwards so that he has no idea whats coming tomorrow.

• Allow your Yankee man to prune you into a fashionable northernish lady (don't worry he knows he can't take the rebel out of ya) and then prune him back into a mannerly young man with a touch of the appreciation for God giving him a little southern girl. Eventually the two of ya will go together like a happy tick on a fat dog.

Thanks for reading Straight Southern today, for more Southerner/Yankee relationship advice be on the lookout for the upcoming article “Taking Your Yankee Home to Mama.”

(All in good laughs folks!)